Hello readers,

Y’all still out there? I hope so. I know it’s been a year. Over a damn year since I last posted here. And y’all could have moved on. Found a new BW to love and make you giggle over foolywang like bicycle riding and such. Speaking of which, a few nights ago I became obsessed with music videos featuring BW on bicycles. I found two, Corrine Bailey Rae’s “Girl Put Your Records On” and India Arie’s “Video.”

I mean, it’s a bicycle club of young English ladies trying to find what I can only imagine is Downton Abbey. I didn’t understand.

Remember where you were when you first heard this song? I remember where I was when I saw the video and saw those pants with the flower embroideries. Again, I didn’t understand. Also, that girl was totally by herself on the road riding that bicycle trying to do the “no  handlebars” thing.

I watched Jill Scott’s “Long Walk” video just to make sure that that’s what she actually did with her invisible partner/camera person–walk.

She did thank God. I don’t know what I have against bicycles but clearly I’ve got a heart issue. Cause it BOTHERS me.

Anyway, where have I been? Here. I’ve been here. It’s just like the clothes sitting in trash bags next to my bed mocking me for not taking them to Goodwill yet. I see it. I know it needs to be done. I know the aesthetic benefits of getting these frakkin (I’m trying to stop cursing so much so I just borrow fake curse words from tv shows I didn’t watch) bags out of my space. I just can’t get my ass in gear to make it happen.

And that, dear readers, is why I have been quiet for the last year.

Nevertheless, on this lovely Chinese New Year, I bring you Dear Black Woman 3.0. Lots of exciting things coming up: new posts! liveblogging the Awards (with all the wine one can stand and stand up from)! And foolywang! Lots and lots of foolywang.

So…uh…where shall we start? ::twiddles fingers::

How about a Lightning Round?

Top 4 Things That DBW Came Across that Made her give the Side eye:

1. Robin Thicke’s Essence interview. 

Y’all! Y’all. That interview made me feel like doing this (for some reason Homer doesn’t want to gif like he’s been created so click on the pic and it will show you some movements):

Read the whole thing here but let me just break out a few excerpts:

What I realize about the difference between me and my peers — you know, Chris Brown and Drizzy Drake and all my musical peers — is that they haven’t been with the same woman for 18 years and I’ve been with a Black woman for 18 years. I’ve never dated a White woman. Don’t want to. I’ve never been on a date with a White woman.

On one hand, they're really sweet and cute together. High school sweethearts!!! Then again: craaaay and creepy.

Well, besides the obvious points that Drake and Chris haven’t lived long enough to be with someone ‘cept for their mamas for 18 years, or the fact that his “peers” are dudes in their 20s, I’m sort of confused. I don’t um…I don’t understand the point he’s making. They got black mama’s, they date BW. Why he bringing out WW in Essence? Who was arguing with him?

Not for nothing, but uh..seems like this video for "Love after War" certainly gives Robin the best of both worlds. He may never have dated a WW but his wife (yeah that's Paula in the video acting like Brigitte Bardot) can put the blonde wig on and pass a little bit. Bygones, I guess.

See, listen: I have this theory about Robin Thicke. I love his music. I think he’s a pretty and sexy WM who we certainly picked as our One White Guy who sings R&B right now (Jon B, baby where y’at???? Come back please?). But: I think he CRAYYYY.

This man is having conversations about WW and his unwavering loyalty to BW that no one asked him about. Does he think that the BW who read Essence are gonna be like, “That white boy is loyal! He doggin out them white gals!  We should keep him!”

No. No. That’s not how that works, honey bunch.

But that’s not the best of it. Here he goes again…saying some F-O-O-L-Y-W-A-N-G.

I didn’t have a great relationship with my mom and she didn’t have a great relationship with her dad and we became that for each other. She’s my mama and I’m her daddy. I even call her mama and she calls me daddy. We are that to each other.

Can you see the tears running down DBW’s face? The laughter and snorting won’t stop. I mean, really?

What? WHAT? He calls her mama and she calls him daddy? Now, DBW knows older folks who call each other mama and daddy (and that  ish is strange too don’t get me wrong!) but folks in their 30s getting off on treating each other like parents? No ma’am. Nooo. NOO.

And again, why, WHY IS HE SHARING THIS IN ESSENCE MAGAZINE?!

I really want him to consider BW opinions other than his wife  who might think this is cute. Cause it ain’t. It ain’t cute. But this leads me to my other theory:

Paula Patton for all her beauty and you know, passable skills as an actress is CRAAAAAY too.

Oh but this interview is far from over. I’m gon’ skip over the parts about giving his wife double digit orgasms (cause you know what? I can’t. I just…I just…I can’t.) and move on to the next bit of juiciness:

I have a song on my new album called, “I Don’t Know How It Feels to Be You,” and she and I were in the middle of an argument and she said, “Robin, no matter how hard you try, or how compassionate you are, you’ll never know what it’s like to be a Black woman.” So I got up and I wrote this song in five minutes. The lyrics are: “I don’t know how it feels to be you, though I try my best to understand what you’re going through, I don’t know how it feels to be you. I can’t walk in your shoes. But, I’m trying baby. You know how much I love you.”

Yes, you read it right. Robin transformed a song  inspired by his wife telling him he didn’t understand her life as a BW into a love song about trying on her heels. I wasn’t looking for a “What’s Going On” or a “Rhythm Nation 1814″ (I recently watched that Janet Jackson doc and learned that the lyrics are sposed to be meaningful. Who the hell knew?!) but certainly, if you’re gonna write a song about the difficulties of compassion and such, I’d hope it sounded less like “Roses are Red/Violets Are Blue/I know you’re black girl but I still love you.” I mean, after all: he don’t date WW. So, you know, that’s a bingo!

Last bit. Essence asked Thicke what his thoughts were about BW dating white dudes.

I think that’s ridiculous. There are so many good Black men out there that are hardworking, decent, and handsome, you know? To start that rumor is as bad as starting any other negative rumor. There are great Black men out there. There are only a few good White men — trust me. (Laughs) Good luck finding a good White man who understands your journey. I only have three White friends. I’ve got 20 Black male friends, who are all good men who take good care of their wives, and good care of their children. I know amazing Black men.

Okay, a) this ain’t a rumor, Robin. People been hatin’ on black men for a long, long, long, long time. It’s not the same as is Kristin Cavallari pregnant or if Chris Brown (your peer) and Riri done got back together? Those are rumors. This ain’t no rumor. b) Again, is he included in the 3 white men that can “understand the journey”? Cause he just said he didn’t understand. Or at least he made it seem like if he had thought he did understand, Paula (despite all her crazy) was like, “Hell no white boy. Hell no.” So, is it 3 other dudes and him? Also, is he trying to make BM love him or BW? Cause his great love for BM is fine and all but uh…again, who’s disagreeing with him? It ain’t the BW who read Essence.

And I just can’t help it. He’s doing that counting thing.

You know that counting thing that white people do where they do arithmetic to prove they are diverse. If I could find the scene in my go-to source for all wisdom and knowledge of The Original Kings of Comedy (they took all the excerpts off Youtube, dammit!), I’d direct you to the joke DL Hughley makes about white folks counting how many black friends they allow in their homes (“1, 2, 3, 4…THAT’S ENOUGH!”). Robin knows that he has exactly 20 black friends and 3 white ones. That’s not friendship; that’s a dinner party.

Enough about Robin Thicke.  Onto the next.

2. Can we just talk about that Red Tails movie for a moment please? Here, have a trailer:

So George Lucas, aka, the man who brought BF Jar Jar Binks wrote and directed and produced a new movie about Tuskeege Airmen that according to him, somebody has been trying to make since 1942.

George Lucas and his lady Mellody Hobson. Maybe she helped encourage him to finish the project? Maybe. Also, it must be nice to be with someone that doesn't notice that you decided to compliment your lovely boobalicious gown with a yellow plastic pencil holder as a purse.

Now don’t get me wrong, this is great. Wonderful even. Let’s make more historical films about BF. Let’s make more films about BF full stop! Here’s where it gets dicey:

“I realize that by accident I’ve now put the black film community at risk (with Red Tails, whose $58 million budget far exceeds typical all-black productions). I’m saying, if this doesn’t work, there’s a good chance you’ll stay where you are for quite a while. It’ll be harder for you guys to break out of that (lower-budget) mold. But if I can break through with this movie, then hopefully there will be someone else out there saying let’s make a prequel and sequel, and soon you have more Tyler Perrys out there.”

So, let me give you a scenario to illuminate what’s being articulated here. Suppose for years and years and years, I have trouble getting my correct damn mail. I send letters to the post office with my correct address, I get responses that say “we’re working on it” and yet, my damn mail is never right. Every now and again, some halfway attentive person drops in and notices that the name on my mailbox and the mail going in it are different and maybe for a month, will make sure it’s right. Oh sigh! It has been fixed! I’s got MY MAIL NAH (to borrow from Shug).

But then, that person goes on a new route or just gets tired of fixing it and I’m back to square one.

This back and forth goes on for YEAAAARRRRSS. So many years I stop paying attention. Thank God for the internetz, I can pay my damn light bill online. Hallelujer! Thank you Jesursss!

One time, one of the postmasters tells me he’s aware of my issue with the mail (his desk is cluttered with all MY DAMN LETTERS) and he’s gonna fix it personally to which I’m supposed to  be grateful, y’all.

But he advises me that if I don’t want this to happen again, I’ll make sure to inform the post office of my correct address.

Yes, as if it NEVER OCCURRED TO ME BEFORE. AS IF THAT’S THE FIRST HEARING OF THAT OPTION. AND AS IF IT’S MY FAULT THUS MY CORRECTION TO FIX.

You know DBW wouldn’t use caps if it wasn’t a heartfelt expression of pissosity–which it is. My little fake story is essentially what’s happening with Lucas and this damn movie. After years of exclusion, and irrepressible stereotypes, and starts at trying to create a new business model for BF; after years of being told as an audience that if we didn’t go support this film or that film we’d be responsible for the “black out” we get a white guy telling us now. A high powered white guy. At that. This ain’t no small thing. And he can be modest if he wants to, just like Spielberg was “modest” at the Golden Globes last week when he went on about how he was so proud of the people at Paramount for greenlighting his film Tintin.

GTFOH. Steven, they didn’t have a choice. If you wanted to make a movie about the people who make the  little boxes that take out Chinese food comes in, Brad Grey would nod his damn head and say “yessir.”

Let’s not kid ourselves here.

But anyway, Lucas is one of many who has tried to encourage/guilt trip BF into seeing a movie. As an example: I remember watching Malcolm Lee on Tavis Smiley doing The Best Man press where he practically begged BF to go to opening weekend so that we could be sure to see more movies like this. The film grossed $35 million in 1999. The sequel to the movie is JUST starting to be discussed.

You know, there’s a better word for what all this is: EXTORTION. If you don’t come to this movie, they won’t make any more movies.

Well, you know what: We’ve come over and over again. And THEY STILL AIN’T MAKING BF MOVIES FOR BF AUDIENCES. Why? Because Hollywood logic is alot like the honey badger: it just don’t give a shit. You can try to force folks into the theaters but if the existing logic is “those movies don’t make money; that’s not what people want to see; we’re post race now so we don’t need to visit the past”?  You ain’t getting movies made.

Yes this where Hollywood is the honeybadger.

And when they say “people” you know they’re talking about normative whiteness aka white people (the ones Robin Thicke only knows 3 of). Here’s my question: instead of Lucas going to BF and extorting them out their $14 to see this movie (which they would anyway because of the limited choice) why doesn’t he go to the white people and tell them about themselves. Tell them that The Help was for them and not BF. Tell them that The Blind Side? Yeah, that was for them too. And then, tell THEM to go support movies by and about BF.

Yeah, he won’t do that. I know that. No one will do that. But if you wanna know how to make more black movies you gotta go to the white people. It’s just sorta how that works.

In short: I ain’t going to see Red Tails. It’s not my kinda movie and it ain’t gonna make a bit more difference than the last time I was encouraged/extorted to go support a BF movie. So there. (And I’m not even gonna acknowledge the Tyler Perrys thing. This is lightning round and I have caps locked enough today.)

Was that too filled with venom? Too harsh on Hollywood? I’m about to double down then:

3: Zooey “Doowop myself to hell” Deschanel

I picked this one because God does it ever express why I despise her. The innocence, the doe eyes, the PONYTAILS. ARGGH..

I hate this girl. I don’t think I always did. But if I see her then I immediately feel both anger and violence just rise up. Seriously I sometimes think I’ll turn into Wolverine with the claws and stuff.

As has been discussed prior, I have a personality clash with quirky white ladies and Zooey is the epitome of that. Thus she is hated by me. Alot.

Look at this cotton commercial: 

The first time I saw and heard this commercial I thought I was gonna have an aneurysm. I just…the pearls and the skirt and the panty hose as she’s pushing her cuh yute bicycle and the antique shopping and the piano and the fact that she doesn’t have to do anything but practice playing the wrong notes on her old little piano. It just…and she’s SINGING in a way that makes me think, this isn’t singing. It’s talking with a lilt.

I HATE HER. Or look at this:

Here she is singing the National Anthem in a dress that looks like a WEDDING CAKE. EXCEPT IT'S A WEDDING CAKE FOR AMERICUHHH.

LOOK. LOOK at that dress. It’s worse than the Portlandia’s whole “Put a bird on it” jokes. MY GOD it’s got fake papier mache flowers coming out of the skirt! What in the name of all that is good and holy makes her think it’s okay? It’s not. Jesus it’s not.

Look at this :

Look at the arm movements here. Is this not a girl who has no problems and is just living life loose and fancy free? Who's Life is this?! She's doing the frakkin running man during the damn World Series. Doo wop.

I just…it may seem irrational to you readers. And I’d be willing to concede that it’s a tad bit insane. But this girl just drives me. She drives me. To anger and righteous violence.

So, you’ll have to imagine how everyone who knows DBW IRL, was so elated to send me this:

Yes, yes. This is what you think it is..

President Obama sent Zooey D a birthday letter. Why? Because she supposedly helps girls feel footloose and fancy free. I just…there are no words to describe the level of fury. What in the hell makes Barack Obama send this fool a birthday letter! It’s his prerogative, he can do what he wants to do but I don’t get it.

Sighs. He just needs to send Nene Leakes  a birthday letter and then I’ll feel better.

Last one.

4: Jennifer “I look like a Bratz doll” Hudson and this G-D move to make all BW go to Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and Nutri System.

What in the hell is going on? First of all, this commercial freaks my stuff out:

Like, does it not first of all boggle one’s mind why “old” J.Hud is in a Pepto Bismol pink dress? Like, there was NOTHING FLATTERING ABOUT THAT OUTFIT. Didn’t matter if she was pretty plus or small. That outfit did NOT help. But more, the Doublemint twins singing over each other gimmick is just creepy as hell. It’s creepy.

It’s also creepy that in damn near every commercial she does for Weight Watchers she is singing. Hey girl: STOP SINGING. Just sell the product if you must. And I just need to say this: y’all Jennifer (pronounced Gin-e-fuh) got personal trainers and chefs and all the bizness and that dude from I Love New York’s payroll. Weight Watchers ain’t gonna turn you into that. Just you know…so you know.

But that’s not all. She ain’t the only one. Apparently, BW weren’t feeling like they had a place in the weight loss hall of fame what with Kirstie Alley and Marie Osmond and Valerie Bertinelli taking up all the endorsement deals. Oh no.

So the moment that I see this fool in this outfit singing “You can make it ” over and over again, as my mama would say: I know’d we was in trouble. SMH:

In the longer video, she comes out of this fabric that I assume is sposed to be like a “fat” womb or a cocoon or something (not even joking). Mariah singing repetitively to me about making it happen is not what I want to hear. I want to see her do more QVC but I don’t want her to try to inspire me to lose weight. That’s like a blind person trying to get me to drive a car because she tried it once and didn’t get in an accident. No thanks.

But wait, it’s not just Jennifer and Mariah. Janet is in on this too. And with the worst one of all: Nutrisystem. Have y’all tried Nutrisystem food? It will make you want to hurt somebody–like the person who convinced you to buy it.

Janet seems sincere. Just like Jennifer (Mariah is totally Baudrillard’s desert of the real. There is only a sign post for what used to be a referent.) But again I ask you: dress it up, make it look all green friendly, have Jake Nava direct the commercial, do whatever. It doesn’t diminish how nasty that food is.

Bonus joys:

These last two vids make DBW give side eye less out of irritation and more because it’s so good. VH1′s Love and Hip Hop. God is that show good. It’s made totally to a BW aesthetic. Not the fighting per se but the reasons for fighting? Yeah, that all makes sense. Kimbella needs a brain. And Chrissy is just a brawler–but her hair was SOO pretty this season.

Look at that roller wrap! It's got so much volume! So much body! Soo pretty makes me long for my relaxer days. I got nothing on the fact that she loves to wear things that show off too much booby but I mean...you can't win em all.

Not gonna lie though: Them gals fight like it’s their job. And I just love it so much. Did you see this fight? OH my goodness so good. Just: it made my night.

Almost as good as this fight from Basketball Wives:

I’ll just end with that. Oh, wait, wait: I have a favor to ask? Would you send me some questions you’d like DBW to answer? The more questions in the pipeline, the more blog posts.

About these ads